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Los Angeles, California – Famous Mobster John Rambone sees no significant change in his living condition after the state of California ordered 40 million residents to stay in. “I have been biding my time here with my son Vito and my wife Anna for the last three years” claims the criminal “and the fact that now we have to remain home does not change my routine a bit”. Mr. Rambone says that he will be spending the rest of his sentence and the rest of the quarantine in his villa with pool in San Pedro (Los Angeles) “and will...Continue reading »

Motevallo, Alabama – Like many around the world who have been forced to alter their plans amidst Coronavirus outbreak, American college student Tristan Alvarez and his friends were forced to cancel their spring break vacation to Amsterdam. Many of his friends were disappointed about the cancellation, but Tristan was secretly relieved since his friend had booked them to stay the entire week in a hotel run by gnomes, which he says would have been weird. The Gnome Hotel in Amsterdam “Gnome hotels are fricken weird,” stated Tristan. “The only movie you...Continue reading »

New York City, NY – The NYMEX launched yesterday a new toilet-paper indexed index, the Brown-Jones, that in the first day of negotiation increased by 473%. It is an index including all toilet paper manufacturers from the US and Canada. At the moment a 400-ounces gold bar can be traded for one roll of toilet paper. The decision of the NYMEX is a reaction to global circumstances. In the midst of a global economic apocalypse, investment funds are revising their strategy and increasingly leaving metals for toilet paper as safe-haven...Continue reading »

Salt Lake City, Utah – Milfred Adamand Sr., an English Literature teacher at the School for the Elderly in Salt Lake City, has no doubt: “given the fact that due to coronavirus there is not tomorrow, humanity has abandoned the expression ‘like there is no tomorrow’ because it would be pleonastic”. In other words, “it suffices to say something like ‘I am running’, without specifying that ‘there is no tomorrow’. Anything you do is like-there-is-no-tomorrow” claims the literate. Mr. Adamand Sr....Continue reading »

Atlanta, Georgia – One of the biggest mysteries of the Coronavirus epidemic has been explained: throwing toilet paper rolls at the undead is even more effective than a shot in the head at point range. “That’s why people from all over the world have been buying toilet paper like there is no tomorrow, also because, uhm, there is actually no tomorrow” claims Prof. Julius Mangoos, head of Walkers Attack Prevention at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. In a report soon to be published by CDC, when faced with a zombie all...Continue reading »