Berlin, Germany – A secret memo leaked to The Serpopard reveals a truth that many were suspecting: e-scooters are meant to kill people in order to free up space in town and solve the rent problem.
The document, penned by the Green Party, states that “Berlin should not end up like San Francisco or London”, and that an immediate solution is required. Possibly, the measure “will target younger citizens in particular, so to solve also the issue of people that enjoy clubbing or loud music”, considered “possibly the two main problems of the city”.
“I knew it” claims Frieda Kai, a dermatologist residing in Kreuzberg. “It was just too absurd that people would be allowed to surf around city traffic in unstable devices, without a helmet and with no skills at all”.
Adam Dino, a belly dancer from Charlottenburg, is happy about the plan: “I finally see the government taking some real actions to make our life better”.
In its first days of introduction the plan has proven dramatically effective, killing 453 people and resulting in a first, little lowering of rents in Mitte and Friedrichshain.