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New York City, NY – The NYMEX launched yesterday a new toilet-paper indexed index, the Brown-Jones, that in the first day of negotiation increased by 473%. It is an index including all toilet paper manufacturers from the US and Canada. At the moment a 400-ounces gold bar can be traded for one roll of toilet paper. The decision of the NYMEX is a reaction to global circumstances. In the midst of a global economic apocalypse, investment funds are revising their strategy and increasingly leaving metals for toilet paper as safe-haven...Continue reading »

Salt Lake City, Utah – Milfred Adamand Sr., an English Literature teacher at the School for the Elderly in Salt Lake City, has no doubt: “given the fact that due to coronavirus there is not tomorrow, humanity has abandoned the expression ‘like there is no tomorrow’ because it would be pleonastic”. In other words, “it suffices to say something like ‘I am running’, without specifying that ‘there is no tomorrow’. Anything you do is like-there-is-no-tomorrow” claims the literate. Mr. Adamand Sr....Continue reading »

Atlanta, Georgia – One of the biggest mysteries of the Coronavirus epidemic has been explained: throwing toilet paper rolls at the undead is even more effective than a shot in the head at point range. “That’s why people from all over the world have been buying toilet paper like there is no tomorrow, also because, uhm, there is actually no tomorrow” claims Prof. Julius Mangoos, head of Walkers Attack Prevention at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia. In a report soon to be published by CDC, when faced with a zombie all...Continue reading »

Chattanooga, Tennessee – Matthew Clark IV, a plumber from Rock Spring (TN) is sure that all the other clients at the local Wal-Mart are crazy hoarders that fill up their shopping carts in fear of the Coronavirus epidemic – but he is not. “I am different than this bunch of cretins” declared the voice in the mind of Mr. Clark IV “because I truly need to buy 10 dozens of toilet paper rolls and half a ton of canned beans. I am not doing this because of the virus”. Matthew Clark IV has personally...Continue reading »

There is this pink meteor that lands into the yard of a family somewhere – basically is the same set and same lead actor of that film “Knowing” from 2009. The pink meteor does not bring disco music back to Earth, but something like spores or rays or whatever, nobody really knows what until we see some more film and we realize that basically the meteor has brought bad acting. Everybody overacts. Nicols Cage screams, his wife Joely Richardson screams, their daughter scream, the younger brother screams, and the only one...Continue reading »