New York City, NY – The NYMEX launched yesterday a new toilet-paper indexed index, the Brown-Jones, that in the first day of negotiation increased by 473%. It is an index including all toilet paper manufacturers from the US and Canada. At the moment a 400-ounces gold bar can be traded for one roll of toilet paper.
The decision of the NYMEX is a reaction to global circumstances. In the midst of a global economic apocalypse, investment funds are revising their strategy and increasingly leaving metals for toilet paper as safe-haven asset.
“No matter how you put it” claims Zina Galore, Head of Risk Strategy Management at Goldman Sachs “people will keep on defecating also during a global pandemic, and the demand for toilet paper is not due to falter anytime soon”.
The case for precious metal is different. “Have you ever tried to wipe your buttocks with a gold bar?” asks Mrs. Galore rhetorically. “It just doesn’t work and if by mistake you drop the bar into the toilet it would be a real problem”.
The analysis of Mrs. Galore seems to be confirmed by anecdotal facts: Supermarkets are under siege by enthusiastic ass-wipers wanting to deplete toilet-paper stocks. Some Wal-Marts in South Dakota and Virginia had to place the precious roll into underground safes, watched by armed security guards. Fort-Knox is reportedly planning to trade its gold reserves for 8-packs of toilet paper – as declared by a FED report leaked to The Serpopard.
“All we can do is to advice people to look for alternative means of keeping their privates clean” claims Mrs. Galore. “There is a start-up in Palo Alto that is experimenting with creating thin layers of gold to be used instead of toilet paper, but it will be weeks before it enters the market” concludes the analyst.