Motevallo, Alabama – Like many around the world who have been forced to alter their plans amidst Coronavirus outbreak, American college student Tristan Alvarez and his friends were forced to cancel their spring break vacation to Amsterdam. Many of his friends were disappointed about the cancellation, but Tristan was secretly relieved since his friend had booked them to stay the entire week in a hotel run by gnomes, which he says would have been weird.
“Gnome hotels are fricken weird,” stated Tristan. “The only movie you can rent in the rooms is ‘Meet the Fockers,’ their food is gross and don’t even get me started on gnome yoga. Also, you can never get a good night’s sleep the gnomes sing mining songs the entire night in Db, the most obnoxious key.”
Tristan’s comment about “gross food” likely refers to the traditional gnomish cuisine, which consists of either strawberries or pureed red peppers mixed with Dijon mustard and is eaten with a single chopstick. Understandably, this diet is not often popular with many people, but stems from a long and rich gnomish history.
Tristan further remarked on the matter that, “You’d think it wouldn’t be that bad because we spend all day outside the hotel and in the city, but gnomes always try to rope you in to their activities … and they talk loud and they’re super nosy and they smell like all the bad flavors of jelly beans. Also, the chocolates from their turn down service suck. It tastes nothing like Toblerone”.
Now that Tristan cannot travel to Amsterdam, he claims that he will spend his spring break trying to get Tik Tok famous by uploading videos of him knitting quilts with his fraternity brothers.
The Serpopard is very pleased to welcome the collaboration of Jordan Matthew Simon – This is his first article! Welcome on board!