Coronavirus Actually Final Step in Alice Cooper’s Plan to Ensure School’s Out Forever

Posted on Apr 26 2020 - 9:01am by Jordan Simon

Phoenix, Arizona – When in the second grade, a young, impressionable Alice Cooper experienced a traumatic incident which would change the course of his life forever. While the rest of his classmates drew teddy bears and sunflowers during Friday free time, creative minded Alice worked to paint an intricate scene of an enraged skeleton with a top hat in the foreground of an erupting volcano and a sky full of lightning.

When little Alice went to show the teacher, however, instead of being met with warm praise, Mrs. Crawford called his work demonic. She took away his paint brushes and markers and snapped all his crayons. It was the day Alice Cooper realized the oppressive education system must come to an end, and he must do it himself – no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Now, decades later, that day has come. Coronavirus is the final step in Alice Cooper’s plan to ensure school’s out forever. Had we payed closer attention to his 1972 hit, “School’s Out,” we could have seen it coming. In hindsight, the lyrics “out for summer, out till fall … school’s out with fever, school’s out completely” could not have been more telling. But, sadly, we all missed it. Now we are left with no class, no principles, no innocence and we couldn’t even think of a punchline.

Here’s to wishing this pandemic ends as soon. Unfortunately, however, even as the globe social distances and our medical professionals fight on the front lines to end this crisis, if feels as though Alice Cooper has the upper hand.