Hoarding explained: Toilet paper effective at countering Corona-zombie attack

Posted on Mar 17 2020 - 10:32am by Zac De La Vigne

Atlanta, Georgia – One of the biggest mysteries of the Coronavirus epidemic has been explained: throwing toilet paper rolls at the undead is even more effective than a shot in the head at point range.

“That’s why people from all over the world have been buying toilet paper like there is no tomorrow, also because, uhm, there is actually no tomorrow” claims Prof. Julius Mangoos, head of Walkers Attack Prevention at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia.

In a report soon to be published by CDC, when faced with a zombie all you need to do is throw a roll of toilet paper at the rotting thing, and the undead will drop dead like it is finally dead, like for real.

“It seems that the most effective rolls are the tender ones” continues Prof. Mangoos “whereas those from recycled paper are somehow too hard to entangle the walking corpses in a web of paper strips”.

Corona-zombies represent the latest development of the virus and in most circumstances affected people go unnoticed among the general population, walking around with an expression of boredom and no real goals in life.

Leave A Response