Dear Serporeaders, please welcome our new author Klaretta and her new series about life, love and lust!
Berlin, Germany – So you finally made it! After a respectable apprenticeship as hipster somewhere around Portland and Halle, you moved to Berlin and got accepted to Soho House.
I know that the experience might be overwhelming: everything looks so shiny and different! That’s why I decided to present you with a practical survival guide in order to facilitate your entrance in this world temple of stardom in Berlin Mitte!
You might have heard that Soho is a place for creators and media people that gather to be inspired. This is sooo 2011! Reality is much different now and you must cope with the local habits to avoid becoming a “Soho House Dalit”, an uncool outcast nobody wants to deal with.
So let’s get started!
1) Never say “Hi!” or “Hello!” to anyone at Soho House. A more commonly accepted form of greeting is “Would you like to share some?”. This accounts even if the hardest drug you ever tried is green tea. Just pretend.
2) Never go to the lavatory alone. It’s just weird. You have to be two at least (see point 1)
3) Be ready for stoned conversations. People might ask you five times in ten minutes where you come from and what your name is. Just say anything. They won’t remember anything about you one day later. I usually claim that my name is Shanti III Jr., that I am a Yakuza killer and that I reside on planet Vega (commuting is a mess).
4) Soho House is full of good looking dudes and girls wishing to socialize. Just not with you.
5) In the common areas there is always a stunning bearded guy that never smiles and has a model girlfriend – and possibly angelic looking kids. Nobody knows what he does in his life. Actually nobody knows him. Don’t bother.
6) The entire Soho House system is meant to make you feel inadequate, or in general terms “not at par” with the rest of the crowd.
- Things you might have too few of: rich parents, branded clothes, white sneakers, jewelry, six-packs
- Things you might have too much of: body hair.
7) Even if you spend your entire life at Soho, the house sport is to talk poorly about Soho. Possibly, you should constantly mention the fact that you are considering suspending your membership. It gives you a tone.
8) Food is not there to be eaten, nor screw-cap wine to be drunk. Ordering them is just a sign of status. If you are able to spend almost 20 euro on an average hamburger, this is a sign of Soho power. Make sure to showcase the food on the tiny table as long as possible. If you really have to eat the hamburger, do it in a very unmannered fashion (lion bites, horse chewing) to communicate that you are a hipster.
9) Peroni beer: what is considered to be the road-workers favorite in many Mediterranean countries, is retailed here as a 5.50 euro delicacy in a perfect radical-chic twist. Order it and feel the effect. It will be raining men (or women).
10) If you exchange a casual glance with someone, turn immediately your eyes into some other direction assuming an expression of slight disgust.
11) Never work at Soho. Working is seen as a sign of poverty.
12) The most aggressive class at the gym is not boxing: it’s yoga. Otherwise very calm people will become very territorial as the small practice room gets covered up in yoga mats.
13) If somebody insists on knowing what you do for a living, don’t mention any activities that could be of some use for society. No doctors, lawyers, managers, professors. The thing at Soho is doing something like funny videos for Millennials or writing a series for Netflix, or a blog about vegans that consume quinoa super-food red organic juices with free-nipples. Not to mention your art gallery in that Sardinian village.
14) When you present something you did (Soho organizes events where members brag about their projects in front of a crowd), the formula is not “I did”, but rather “I have been asked to do”.
15) You can find your way at Soho using only two words: “Cool” and “Fun”. The rest of the English vocabulary is absolutely redundant.
Last but not least, if you notice someone that is not following any of the rules, just give her a disgusted look. That’s how the house culture stays alive!
So, enjoy your time at Soho and your Klaretta will be with you with the next Serpoguide in a week!