Brussels, EU – “Not so fast” claimed EU Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker after the latest pantomime stage at Westminster last week. “If them Brits want to – hic – join the EU back, they must face some long-due changes”.
The “Re-EU” plan has been drafted by the European Commission almost overnight and includes a diverse set of measures. First, the Brits will have to learn driving on the right side of the road, “also because in virtually every film shot in Britain someone dies because he crosses the road looking at the wrong side” said Mr. Juncker.
Also, orthodontics is a new goal that the Brits shall set for themselves, “although” a EU report claims “the continent understands that having messy teeth is a form of pride for them Brits, like a national-belonging symbol”.
Other measures include things like learning to cook or developing a form of humor that can be understood by the common man.
Also beer will have to be served cold. “This is something we could never accept” declares George Wilson, the owner of a pub for alcoholics in Bath “because normally our beers are presented at the temperature of a soup”.
The Italians also wanted to introduce a measures to force the Brits to install bidets in every household, but the proposal has not been approve due to the opposition of the French. In terms of personal hygiene, the only new element seems to be a bill to get rid of those silly double-faucets.
There is even more: the Brits will have to cut the Royal Family reality show immediately and promise not to inform the public about any further events such as royal marriages or reproduction.
“Once the Brits have done all these things” concluded Mr. Juncker at a press conference “nothing stands in the way to have London be back in Europe”.
The measures will be introduced starting 2020 with EU observers in every single UK household, office and car, to see if things are being done like normal people. For security matters, any form of humor is forbidden until 2024, until less cold jokes have been developed.