Washington, DC – After it was confirmed that UK Prime Minister and Donald Trump’s voodoo doll, Boris Johnson, tested positive for Covid-19, Americans have begun to hope that Trump will experience symptoms via voodoo which will be intense enough to momentarily end his shitshow of a government response.
“I normally loose brain cells whenever the President speaks, but the way he fumbles his response to such a serious matter makes me wish I had a Trump voodoo doll to stab” said Horace Feldman, a Philadelphia resident. “Like, if coronavirus is an impending hurricane, Trump is my 8-year-old’s girthy turd which has clogged and overflowed my toilet in the midst of an already stressful situation.”
For those rooting on the President’s incapacitation, his sickly skin and slurred speech have been hopeful signs – although many have pointed out that Trump experiences these symptoms year-round and have encouraged folks to reign in their optimism. Instead, a representative for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has stated that sweat, “so thick it washes away his spray tan” is the key symptom to watch for to confirm if Trump is experiencing any voodoo coronavirus.
“[The President] is aware of the risk and is taking the appropriate measures to take care of his health,” said a White House spokesperson. “He is praying nightly to Sean Hannity, and even providing him with sacrificial offerings of his KFC. Unfortunately, not much else can be done”
The Serpopard reached out to members of Trump’s family for further insight on the situation. We are fairly certain that Melania declined our request for comment, as she merely stared forward blank-faced when confronted with our microphone, meanwhile Eric Trump is very concerned about his weekly allowance.
